Georgiezine

Still sad about my friend, listening to Plainsong wasn't necessary helpful, but also a bit cathartic, but then I did this thing, that I always do, why oh why, the comparative thing, when you realise the guy you rejected as being conceited/smug/boring is now married to a doctor/has a child who is a doctor/is a doctor. It's all the worse given that my friend wanted to be a doctor and almost got there, and it's such a brutal industry, but, for some, it bankrolls holidays in Japan and sailing every Saturday. I also, still, feel regret at not making it to a funeral two years ago, at a time when my self esteem was south, for what now seems irrelevant, but in turn, that helps me realise that we can let circumstance form the measure of us, and make decisions that are stupid (me-skipping a funeral; my friend-suiciding), when it doesn't matter. No-one that matters, minds. And those that keep their distance, are only human.  Work, aka placement, aka unpaid time that I will never g...

 All week I did things for me. Visited the art museum, got a student to review my survey, planned an art session for my co-design workshop, wrote it all up and then, yesterday, 4:30, I looked at my phone and there was a message from my friend, letting me know her partner had died by suicide. Had to tell my son who is friends with their eldest, and prepare telling my youngest who is in a class with their youngest. Thought a lot about what I could say or do differently, and what I missed, and what difference I could have made, and shared it with those I was in conversation with, and trusted. Interestingly Michael shared the most, more about him and his philosophy of life, in fact more about himself than he's shared in the time I've known him. He too had overwhelming grief, and appears to have sorted it out through travellling and visspassana, (doubt I've spelt that correctly) and also lost a 90s era friend, in recent times, first socially, then forever. As he shared, it does ...

 It can be easy to miss it, but Sunday morning we lazed together in the western sunshine; we listened to our son and requested a timetable at school that suits him socially, our youngest still enjoys football, I read books I liked, and managed to get to the pool twice this week, still well away from the physical fitness I'd prefer but building a regularity which is the first step. 

 Tomorrow, for work, I have to facilitate a group doing arty stuff expressing lived experience, and oh my, I don't feel prepared. I should be packing my car now, but I am not, I'm going to 'wing it', which is a bad bad philosophy, that relies on personal charm, and people's willingness to free range.  Umm, swapped notes with work Jess about books, campus novels, performative male in the wilderness, the latter prompted by the sighting of a guy, 40plus, well dressed: khaki duster jacket, Tortoise tshirt, Japanese skater jeans, shoes, clear plastic spectacles, cap clad, on phone, waiting for work colleague, younger, boob tube, bomber jacket, skater jeans. Such a cool platonic couple. Sadly, phone battery flat.  Earlier I'd been up the hill at Flinders Uni, working out the whole Sturt campus, medical campus, Bedford campus, bridge, wilderness, lake, community centre, market garden, permaculture garden, the library, the art museum, which is in exactly the same place ...

Headed up to Flinders University in person, belated effort, I remember cool celebrations in the past, honouring drama centre and so on.  The lay out is brutalist but also resourced; I spent time wandering around social sciences north and south, past the lake, the student hub, walked across the bridge that joins bedford campus with sturt campus, looked down into the forest and felt inspired.  After I finished with the library, and the art museum ("un-disciplined") I decided to drive to the city via Colonel Light Gardens, that planned community, and Hutt Street in case there was anything new. I sat outside a fancy cafe, where all the cool kids were, including a guy whose outfit I wanted to photograph but camera batterly was flat. I'll describe. Clear perspex spectacles, cap, khaki coloured dust jacket, a black tshirt with white writing that seemed to be for Tortoise the band, dark denim jeans that looked Japanese skater style, pull on shoes, like the Vans that Sean Penn wor...

 Aeons ago, I was hanging out with my friend Megan, who was taking AGES to buy cigarettes in the 7 day supermarket and I walked in and loudly declared 'hurry up' like I was the grumpy blackboard in Mr Squiggle, before my jaw dropped, and I understood her delay-Mr Adonis was on the checkout counter, and he wouldn't have been a day over 17. Unbelievable. At the time the age gap was definitely 20 years, more for Megan, and we walked away guiltily laughing.  Age gaps still have taboo, I used to get hung up about a 2-3 year age gap, which seems ridiculous now, but it remains as a double standard of ageism. Men as old as the recently departed Sam Neill (RIP, such a babe), can match up with someone younger than their adult children, because they're a financially solvent silver fox, but if a women matches up with a much younger male, eyebrows are raised.  There is a not great film I watched recently, featuring Michelle Pfeiffer and Paul Rudd, both did their best with uneven mat...

Had some more fridge free action, last week, when I stayed in accommodation with highly curated interior cabinetry, followed by a charming and very 'me' interior, think wood, textiles, mood lights, books, rugs, deep sleep. M came to visit, on my request, gee he's nice, but he does a friendly patter, sometimes about keeping it light, sometimes masking something he doesn't want to talk about, sometimes signalling time up. He's married to his job, which is what brain boxes without a girlfriend do, maybe that's why he keeps telling me to spend more time at home, but home isn't enough of a reflection of my inner life, so I'm overcompensating, and I don't need to doubt my abilities, professionally, but be more selective. He talked about some guide to being a political advisor, amusingly it's only 2 pages long, but the hot tip is speak to people, and know your portfolio, I said yes, it's always a relief when someone has that humility. M gave me tips...