Holding your nerves

One of the big things I am learning as a parent is to live in the day. You can't project ahead. I think I commented about how hard it was to be an inpatient in the childrens hospital and hear the code blue announcements. My friend who works there confirmed that one of them was for a child that didn't do well; and staff were upset. She clarified that the child was already unwell, but it made me so nervous about my good fortune-that Lu is healthy and safe. Things like the mining tragedy in NZ also stir sentiment; my sister in law remembered growing up in Broken Hill and all the times at school you could hear the mining horns blowing, announcing a fatality or serious accident, how classmates lost family members. Mining is big business now, but it's confronting to be reminded how vulnerable the workers are who travel underground on a daily business, teaching their minds to ignore rational fears.

So the repetition of feeding and putting baby to sleep, changing their nappy, washing their clothes, is a way of grounding you, getting you to ignore your fears. You are so caught up with the next 4 hour cycle, that you can ignore other things. And he is such a darling baby, so calm, most of the time I can work out what he needs, get him to sleep or play or have a cuddle, recognise when he wants to fill his nappy, kick his legs. He is almost ready to smile, has a gorgeous heart shaped face and a chin that his cousin keeps wanting to squeeze. His eyes I think are turning brown and his hair is lightening from its birth day of jet blackness. He has strong hands already, long fingers that I love to play with, cute feet that I tickle. When I feed him I lie sideways on the bed to face him and watch his facial gestures. His father has had to be away packing up our country house, and is very envious of missing out on this time, have to make sure I help him grab some father-son moments when he returns. So far (touch wood), he sleeps for at least 5-6 hours after his evening feed, leaving the shorter intervals for day-time. (I've slightly manipulated that, but overall I have worked on demand feeding him. He needs breastmilk.). Gave him a great long nappy free session today under the mobile and in the corner window overlooking the flat, it did have consequences (poo stains on the towel cloth I used as protection), but that can be cleaned easily. He liked it. Other times he just wants to be close to me, looks up and stares, trying to focus, trying to learn more about the person that is so often the one that carries him around.

Family have been good-brought me closer to my mother, who reassured me that everything he needs in life he has already been given-2 parents who are committed to him and each other. His cousins are good-on Sunday when I visited for Ashie's 4th birthday, Gus was a delight. He asked if he could take him for a walk in the pram, gave him a cuddle, kept checking to see if he was okay. Ash just wanted to squeeze his face, is still gaining confidence to hold him, repeated his intention to play trains with him when he's ready. Ned was more laidback, but obviously happy for me. My sister's in laws were there and they joined the queue of people wanting to cuddle him and I even got to have a little lie down. Makes the parenting job so much easier.