Waiting for baby
It is hard, waiting.
It is hard because you worry that until the baby is born, he isn't safe yet. Until he has been born and taken his first breath and cried, you won't feel safe.
I was reading today someone else's labour story-for second child and how they had to wait "a few minutes" to hear baby cry, whilst the paediatrician resuscitated it. The baby's agpar score was critical initially and it was 5 minutes before it was satisfactory. Five long minutes.
The fear feelings were compounded by reading of Lily Allen's stillbirth, at 6 months. Every parents fear, and you do feel as though once you make it out of first trimester, you are safe. Yet I knew too, that it is a long journey-my colleague lost her child at 30 weeks. Against that, it is natural to want to deliver the baby as soon as possible.
On the other hand, this baby is kicking and breatheing happily. I've had two CTGs over the past 3 days, both good. He isn't even incredibly overdue-for a first baby, from a family where all the babies have been late, he is following the norm. His head hasn't engaged, which is why I've requested not to be induced tomorrow, but to wait 2 more days (don't want to make labour day later than 14 days after due date-don't have the nerves for that). I have to remind myself, when I worry about this, that being induced can also be distressing for the baby, can affect their heart rate, cause stress as well. So somewhere in between-giving the baby a bit of extra time to engage his head before we both subject ourselves to an induction/caesarean, seems the way to go.
I just want to meet him. Today my sister dropped off my nephew for a short stint of baby sitting at the same time as a friend visited to give me a baby massage (to encourage lu fang to move DOWN). So A had to entertain him whilst I lay on my bed and she massaged me. Had to breathe and try and send thoughts to the baby that it was safe to come out. It's hard to know if this is all silly or true, or how you can connect to another being. When I came out, Ash was quiet, still a bit under the weather, had written out his name for A and was leaning against the couch, clutching his rug. He didn't even want to finish eating his cupcake.
Later the 3 of us played hide and seek, and then I chatted to him about kindy and his thoughts about it. He was quietly spoken (which is a newish thing for him), but told me it was pretty much like childcare, that it involves some games, some sandpit time, he likes painting and playing on the puter and the day ends with singing. He knows some of the kids names, and all of his teachers names and they get to make things there which he also likes. We also went into the babies room, where his Mum reminded him of the teddy mobile he used to listen to and we listened to the music for a while, lulling him into a quiet mood ready for his car trip home. I'm sure he would have been asleep by the time she was in town.
So now, it is back to the waiting, to asking my midwives to support me in the wait, participating in monitoring my baby for his last days inside, sitting on a fitball, doing squats and hoping my baby can move downwards in preparation for birth. Shutting the rest of the world out-the well meaning texts and emails asking if there is news-people should know that positive news always gets out and I will be in touch, when there is something to tell.
It is hard because you worry that until the baby is born, he isn't safe yet. Until he has been born and taken his first breath and cried, you won't feel safe.
I was reading today someone else's labour story-for second child and how they had to wait "a few minutes" to hear baby cry, whilst the paediatrician resuscitated it. The baby's agpar score was critical initially and it was 5 minutes before it was satisfactory. Five long minutes.
The fear feelings were compounded by reading of Lily Allen's stillbirth, at 6 months. Every parents fear, and you do feel as though once you make it out of first trimester, you are safe. Yet I knew too, that it is a long journey-my colleague lost her child at 30 weeks. Against that, it is natural to want to deliver the baby as soon as possible.
On the other hand, this baby is kicking and breatheing happily. I've had two CTGs over the past 3 days, both good. He isn't even incredibly overdue-for a first baby, from a family where all the babies have been late, he is following the norm. His head hasn't engaged, which is why I've requested not to be induced tomorrow, but to wait 2 more days (don't want to make labour day later than 14 days after due date-don't have the nerves for that). I have to remind myself, when I worry about this, that being induced can also be distressing for the baby, can affect their heart rate, cause stress as well. So somewhere in between-giving the baby a bit of extra time to engage his head before we both subject ourselves to an induction/caesarean, seems the way to go.
I just want to meet him. Today my sister dropped off my nephew for a short stint of baby sitting at the same time as a friend visited to give me a baby massage (to encourage lu fang to move DOWN). So A had to entertain him whilst I lay on my bed and she massaged me. Had to breathe and try and send thoughts to the baby that it was safe to come out. It's hard to know if this is all silly or true, or how you can connect to another being. When I came out, Ash was quiet, still a bit under the weather, had written out his name for A and was leaning against the couch, clutching his rug. He didn't even want to finish eating his cupcake.
Later the 3 of us played hide and seek, and then I chatted to him about kindy and his thoughts about it. He was quietly spoken (which is a newish thing for him), but told me it was pretty much like childcare, that it involves some games, some sandpit time, he likes painting and playing on the puter and the day ends with singing. He knows some of the kids names, and all of his teachers names and they get to make things there which he also likes. We also went into the babies room, where his Mum reminded him of the teddy mobile he used to listen to and we listened to the music for a while, lulling him into a quiet mood ready for his car trip home. I'm sure he would have been asleep by the time she was in town.
So now, it is back to the waiting, to asking my midwives to support me in the wait, participating in monitoring my baby for his last days inside, sitting on a fitball, doing squats and hoping my baby can move downwards in preparation for birth. Shutting the rest of the world out-the well meaning texts and emails asking if there is news-people should know that positive news always gets out and I will be in touch, when there is something to tell.
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