Medical trauma
On the weekend I saw Love and Other Drugs with a friend. The movie is okay, it would be worse without it's good cast, and it probably gets away with it's weepy romantic drama by being a period early 90s piece. Nevertheless it did make a small impact on me, partly to do with it's cynicism about the pharmaceutical industry and partly with a line that Anne Hathaway's character says. She's angry about the hand she's been given (youthful diagnosis of Parkinson's, lack of cure, dependence on medication) and says that just once, she'd like an apology from the medical community.
Hear hear. Because today, when I was visited by my child and youth health nurse I realised that 6 weeks after the safe birth of my son; and the wonderful revelation that all in utero health concerns turned out to be for naught; I am still angry and traumatised. Angry that for a large part of my second trimester (the so called easy/happy trimester, when you are blissed out and not yet suffering any physical complaints) I was in shock and grief. Worried about whether my son had a genetic condition, guilty that it would have been inherited from me, angry that all the testing and choices I had were dictated by medical specialists who took leave and weren't available to talk to me, on my level. And then angry for being affected by them, and not knowing how to let it go.
So the child and youth health nurse listened to me, and suggested that amongst the strategies to try and move forward from it, to find ways for the baggage to stop affecting me now that Lu and I are home free, was to fill in the consumer feedback form that all new mothers are provided with, and say it wasn't okay, that I wasn't okay with how I was treated. And I did. Whether anything will come of it is another matter-I could empathise with just wanting an apology from the "medical community", for someone high ranking to admit that their way of doing things isn't okay... because it wasn't about cost or unrealistic expectations, it was about contact and preventing distress and grief and referrals to other people, by being available at the time so it didn't become bad.
Other ways to move forward? Hard to know. Counselling in the past has been a mixed bag-some are circuit breakers, some are frustrating do gooders who make you dwell in it. The buddhist meditation guide I was reading makes the point that to spend time wading in negative thoughts and reliving negative experiences gives it even more power and can cause more damage. And I kind of agree with that; it's not possible to block it out, but I can't wade in it either. I think I need to find ways to feel more powerful than the experience, more powerful than situation in which well meaning people make mistakes with your care. A way of saying "I know better".
Anyway, I know "get" all those support groups and web pages that rail against mainstream medicine. People want respect; they want their health provider to know more than them clinically but to be humble towards their personal beliefs.
Hear hear. Because today, when I was visited by my child and youth health nurse I realised that 6 weeks after the safe birth of my son; and the wonderful revelation that all in utero health concerns turned out to be for naught; I am still angry and traumatised. Angry that for a large part of my second trimester (the so called easy/happy trimester, when you are blissed out and not yet suffering any physical complaints) I was in shock and grief. Worried about whether my son had a genetic condition, guilty that it would have been inherited from me, angry that all the testing and choices I had were dictated by medical specialists who took leave and weren't available to talk to me, on my level. And then angry for being affected by them, and not knowing how to let it go.
So the child and youth health nurse listened to me, and suggested that amongst the strategies to try and move forward from it, to find ways for the baggage to stop affecting me now that Lu and I are home free, was to fill in the consumer feedback form that all new mothers are provided with, and say it wasn't okay, that I wasn't okay with how I was treated. And I did. Whether anything will come of it is another matter-I could empathise with just wanting an apology from the "medical community", for someone high ranking to admit that their way of doing things isn't okay... because it wasn't about cost or unrealistic expectations, it was about contact and preventing distress and grief and referrals to other people, by being available at the time so it didn't become bad.
Other ways to move forward? Hard to know. Counselling in the past has been a mixed bag-some are circuit breakers, some are frustrating do gooders who make you dwell in it. The buddhist meditation guide I was reading makes the point that to spend time wading in negative thoughts and reliving negative experiences gives it even more power and can cause more damage. And I kind of agree with that; it's not possible to block it out, but I can't wade in it either. I think I need to find ways to feel more powerful than the experience, more powerful than situation in which well meaning people make mistakes with your care. A way of saying "I know better".
Anyway, I know "get" all those support groups and web pages that rail against mainstream medicine. People want respect; they want their health provider to know more than them clinically but to be humble towards their personal beliefs.
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